ashes to ashes.

burning bright

we're so hot nothing can touch us

invincible, care free, reckless.

young

we're moving so fast our feet don't touch the tracks

track back, back when life moved slow

and we were young.

and we were learning. and we were growing. and life was shiny and new and bright. warm.

to go back a second, an hour, a day, to those days, when we were fenced in and child proofed and protected. we've neglected the rules that held us in place, kept us safe.

walk don't run.

don't push don't shove.

sticks and stones, that's not fair.

before all was fair in love and...

when was it that we realized that we knew everything, and that the shiny new and bright was ours for the taking, and once we stole it we had to run, run with it not walk because walking wasted time and we didn't have any time because we had places to go and people to see and we were going to see cliffs and dive off them and swim to depths unheard off and drive fast getting there and hey they look good lets take them for a ride and hey that looks like fun yeah i'll give it a try.

it use to be the only shootings were stars. stars burning burning bright.

fire. fire. hot. cause we're running so fast our feet don't touch the tracks and the stars don't shine brighter than us because we are young and we are reckless and we are invincible. and rules couldn't hold us and keep us in because we ran out of those gates so fast no one could catch us and we've been running and taking and jumping and diving and shooting and flying

but what goes up

must come down

and why didn't anyone tell us that

did they tell us that?

before we knew everything did we ever know? had we forgotten?

forgotten that flying

turns to falling

turns to crashing

and that track is closer and coming up faster and the stars are a blur and they're burning so bright

but that light, that fire that burned so hot with so many dreams of places to be and people to see is getting dark. and now its black.

SMACK.

pavement.

not sky.

not.

not.

not anything.

nothing.

because kissing the cut won't erase hurt anymore.

because rockabye baby, our cradles, they broke.

because we were never invincible.

and that was the last lesson we learned.

Scattered.

I met this awesome person.

Who I very well could have had the time of my life with.

And then the evening ended. And we said goodbye.

And I will spend the rest of my life looking back very fondly on that evening, and wondering "What if?"

But life is made of moments. Not of blocks. Moments are small and pass by too quickly to grab hold of and hang on to.

So we watch them speed by, unsure of exactly what they were. A flash in the corner of your eye, that fades and you're left, wondering.

‎"im not a magician, cant just pull rainbows outta my ass" - Steve Pham

Hey kids,

Less get casual for a minute. A lot of the times I feel as though I'm super formal. In my writing, in my processing of new information, when I meet new people, etc etc.

I'm a hand shaker, shoulders back, hips squared, Mr. and Mrs. so and so, lovely weather, formal kind of girl in most of my daily activities. You can thank the parents for that.

But for a few minutes, since we are after all, in the cyber sanctity that is my blog, lests kick our shoes off and let our hair down, and make a few more grammatical errors than usual just for the hell of it.

So the past few days, slash week or so, I've been a little down in the dumps, moody judy, blue and grey. A serious ms grumpy gills. I keep a folder of journals on Word. You know of private thoughts that just aren't quite blog worthy, or far too scandalous to share...(Just kidding. they're just inner workings of my brain is all) but for you I will divulge a bit just so you can understand how truly overly dramatic and gloomy I was.

“i’m in one of those solitary moods where ones discomforted inner thoughts can only be quelled by seeing them, plain as day, in front of her. One of those moods where sunshine is an annoyance and you find yourself praying for some cloud coverage just so that you don’t end up tripping the stranger that is oh so cheerfully humming behind you because they’re “come on get happy” is driving you up the wall."

Yikes, right! I know, looking back I'm like "Good Lord Girl this is reality calling and it says shut up"

But there's this quote I'm in love with from Jitterbug Perfume, which I quoted I think in my last entry or the one just before it. It goes like this

"You'll find that you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means: Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone."

I toss this quote over in my head on a fairly regular basis and it helps me out. Also yesterday I ran to the comfort of four of my closest friends. Emily and Lindsay because they are the girls that I always always count on. And my boys Kyle and Steve because on occasion they remind me that men aren't always spineless dogs who care less what's in a girls head than what's in between their legs.

For the most part i'm a relatively private person but I'm learning more and more that its not terrible to rely on other people to pick you up when you're on the verge of Indigoing.

We all think that we're so misunderstood, and alone. That we've all got this seedy dark twistedness that no one else could possibly comprehend.

Jonathan Safran Foer said in Everything Is Illuminated that there are 613 different types of sadness. As much as I dearly love Jon and each and every word that flows from his mind into his novels, I have to beg to disagree.

I think that all of us are all sharing the very same, one, great sadness. And we together all share the solution to overcoming it and sharing in the happiness that is left in its wake.

Any who,that's that. Catch ya on the flip side.

As you finish reading this imagine me skipping down the sidewalk with sun on my shoulders, and nothing but blue skies while whistling "Come on Get Happy." even though I really really can't whistle.

its simply for illustration's sake, the sidewalk can also be substituted with a field of flowers or a room filled with puppies.

byyyyeeee

Some Pruning.

Dear Friend,

You see yourself as something of a dandelion don't you? Here I am, you think to yourself, with roots planted resolutely between two slabs of concrete, completely petal-less and without a single admirer to my name.

Roses are red, you recite, and violets are blue. Roses say, I adore you, you make my heart skip beats, make me wild. Violets are a delicate love, but they say, I am constant. I am forever.

Dandelion, you feel as though you are not capable of either of these loves. Not capable of passion, or tenderness. You are not cultivated in gardens, or on displayed in china vases. Your scent is not bottled and worn out on special occasions. You are not pressed in dusty novels, to be flipped back to with fondness at a later date.

This is why you sit there and think to yourself, I am but a weed. But can't you see that you are so much more than that? My dearest wallflower, my dearest friend, you are the only flower in the garden to which we entrust our wishes, hopes, and dreams. Don't you see, you're not meant to stand so steadfastly in the corner like you do, you are meant to fly and float, and dance, and travel where the wind blows you, carrying with you the secret desiers we are all too afraid to speak aloud. You are brave and loyal and free and because of that you have a beauty all others envy. It is because of this beauty that you are able to flourish in the bitterest of winters when all the other flowers have withered and died.

See yourself for what you are. You are a survivor, and you are beautiful. And it is my secret wish, the wish I hope for you to carry with you as you leave your sidewalk prison, that you see how very special you really are.

And we grow...

Summer is ending in that slow, hazy, sun-kissed way it always does. Funny, when summer comes we all hit the ground running and throw ourselves into it. With it we have expectations for better days, care free days, and hot nights under bright stars. When summer comes it brings with it new hopes, and a new vitality to our previously lethargic, burnt out lives.

This summer held particularly high hopes for me. It was to be my New Chapter. I looked forward to being reunited with old friends, returning home from school to sleep in my own bed, and to truly experiencing being both young and old at the very same time. Right now I am in that strange window of age where I am both a child and an adult all at once. Supposedly this is a very exciting time in my life, or so I have been told. A time to make mistakes and learn and grow, yadda yadda etc etc.

Well, in retrospect I've decided that although I agree that right now my life is very exciting in it's own uneventful sort of way, the people that told me that were a bit confused themselves, or if not confused very sad. Because, if a life is lived well, and I intend to live mine very well, every walk of life I travel will be very exciting, in its own way. And, if i know myself, and I do, I will forever be making mistakes.

But I'm digressing. Back to the summer.

I was told this was a very exciting time and when summer knocked on my door in the loud "Look at me!" sort of way it does, I very readily let it in and immediately began to make plans for it. All spring I looked forward to it because, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomache that this summer was going to be an important turning point in my life. I couldn't place my finger on it but I was certain something monumental was going to occur that would forever change everything I had ever known. It was this constant building of anticipation of... I don't know. But something was happening, or going to happen.

Well turns out, nothing monumental ever happened, at least not to my knowledge. If it did happen it happened in a very deceptively insignificant manner, because I've yet to notice it.

What did happen this summer is this, it has become for the first time ever, excessively clear, as if illuminated by the beautiful yet damaging rays of hot hot summer sun, just exactly who the people who matter most to me are.

I always knew that staying in touch while away at school would be difficult, but I always thought that being reunited in the summer all of my relationships would pick up exactly where we'd left off. I admit, although not happily, that I could not have been more wrong.

This summer was a challenging one, and what it taught me was that life is too short and too wonderful to spend in constant conflict. If you must have conflict, settle it. In the winter when you're cold and its dark, you can scream and yell and resent all you want, let your temper rise and warm your frozen bones so that you can remember that you're not numb, that you're alive and that your fire's not out just yet. But in doing so, know that you're stupid. Its not worth it. Especially though, in summer.

In the summer, there isn't time for that. In the summer, clear the air, say your apologies, right your wrongs and be done with them. Brush them under the carpet or sweep them out your door so that you can spend your summer with the people that matter most to you. Spend it laying on the beach with them, staying up all night and waking up early, and being happy just being together.

I've learned this summer who my true friends are and to them I am forever thankful. And to them I apologize for plans that were made that never worked, and for never having enough time. I can say that I haven't spent a sufficient amount of time with anyone at all this summer, and that is something I am truely sorry for. But I am forever thankful to everyone who let me share these few precious months with them. Perhaps one of you is the that monumental something that I had been waiting for all this time.

I'm feeling so rushed as I notice days slowly shortening. I head back up to the rain and grey of Northern California in about no time at all. No longer running, but slowing my pace to a crawl, I'm saying my goodbyes.

Goodbye Summer, you've been good to me.

Hello Fall.

I'll leave with this quote. I'm not sure what it was about it that struck me, but I've turned it over in my head a thousand times, and its seems fitting for the summer.

"It is better to be small, colorful, sexy, careless, and peaceful, like the flowers."

-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)

Sometimes I really miss people that I make up in my head. I'm not the kind of person that easily becomes attached to others. It takes me a long while to become truly comfortable with someone. And because I don't become close quickly or easily, I don't often miss people when they're not around.

But sometimes, when my mind is wandering, which it often does when I find myself not watching it carefully, I come across the strangest people. They reoccur in my dreams. I know that they're not real. Simply characters my mind's made up. A lot of the times they don't necessarily have faces. They have lives and traits and adventures and secrets, but hardly ever do they have a face. Some have names and others don't. Its a silly way that I amuse myself when anything else fails to hold my attention.

Theres a man that explores jungles

A girl that knows everything there is to know about bees

There is a well mannered lion that reads at the breakfast table

There is an old couple that fell in love when they were young and then were separated for a long time but never forgot each other

There is a girl named Angela. She's a very corporate type. Wears high heels to work.

There are two little boys that I once saw in a pizza commercial, and sometimes I think about having pizza with them.

Robert always wears a blue shirt and dark jeans and has dark hair but no face. He likes parks. He'll sit in a park all day long watching people ride by on their bicycles. They always look as though they have no obligations, cares or worries. Free. That is the way he sees them. His favorite sound is the sound that the bells on their bicycles make. Sometimes he thinks about getting a bike, but he never does. Instead he sits on a bench and watches them. Sometimes he gets up and walks back and forth, in front of the bench. And sometimes when I fall asleep, I dream that I am at his park and he gets up and meets me and we watch them bike together.

These people, unlike the real living breathing ones that I forget to call or don't think of when they're away, these made up imaginary people that I invent to entertain myself, I end up missing because I know that they're not real. I'm sure someone would think they're my subconscious telling me something. Whether or not that be true, they really are nice people.

Dangerous Waters

In this ongoing process of growing up something that is becoming increasingly more important to me, increasingly more admirable to me, is when a person is able to hold true to their convictions.

People change their hair cuts, their favorite bands, change to decaf instead of caffeinated, from one line of work to another, they change their cliques, their habits, their minds. We are forever changed and shaped by the events and people in our lives, and because these changes are constant motions in life its difficult to say when we stop being who we were when we changed into who we are.

At different points in time we all have said things that we had believed to be true. We have all said things that we had believed we believed in. But as we change, so do our beliefs. Ideals that we had once stood so steadfastly behind, now lay abandoned and forgotten.

Believing in something is important, I think. I don't necessarily mean beliefs in any particular religion. Worship or don't worship whatever deity of your choosing, it makes no difference to me. But believing in something strongly, anything strongly, gives you a sense of self, and that is crucial. It is crucial to have something concrete that at the end of they day you can turn over in your mind,and reassure yourself that you are the person that you want to be because of it. It is crucial to have something that you can put your faith in, so that you know that the person you go to bed at night as, is the same one that you wake up as in the morning.

Having something that you can believe in gives you a moral code to live by, it gives you a sense of right and wrong, a sense of direction. Far too many of us live our lives in indifference. Think something. Have some kind of opinion about something. If we live indifferently we have no hope of progress. So many people complain about the state of things, of the economy, of the environment, "where's the neighborhood going", etc.

We're not going anywhere. We're not going anywhere because no body cares. We change too often and too quickly to devote enough of ourselves to any idea, and without any idea we have nothing to create, or contribute. We're forever floundering because we're too lazy to form a conclusive opinion of our own.

I remember one time a class I was in debated about The Ship of Theseus, a ship that eventually had every piece of it replaced so that there wasn't a single piece of the original ship that remained. Is it the same ship or a different ship all together?

People are the same way. On the surface we're always changing. I think though however, that if you hold true to your convictions, whatever they may be, some small piece of you will still be with you when you wake up in the morning. You can pick the best part of yourself, the part of yourself that you want to stand behind, and you can believe in it, hold on to it, live by it, and that part of you will be sure to wake up in the morning just the same as it was when you went to bed.

I think that its tragic when a person no longer recognizes who they are because they've grown too far apart from who they were.

I think those who put faith into an idea and live by it are stronger than those that don't believe in anything.

And I think that remaining true to yourself and what you believe in is possibly one of the most difficult things to do. I admire those that can embrace the changes and the challenges they are being faced with, and I wish them luck.